The amount of oh shit moments that have transpired over the last few weeks is incredible.
It’s almost like the veil between what I think I know and what my body undoubtedly knows is being lifted, and such was the case when I was scrolling on social media.
You may not be surprised to hear that I follow a lot of mental health advocates and therapists on IG (although I’ve cut down, because too much isn’t great, either), but this came from out of the blue.
I’m often finding gems that I’ll share on my story, and during an innocent scroll recently, I came across some tweets from Dr. Vassilia that stopped me in my tracks.
I was immediately in investigation mode, because quite literally everything she stated is what I’ve experienced my entire life.
Holding my breath has been one of the main clues to my body’s disconnection, and I’ve known that for a while, but then I started taking inventory—I hardly drink water when I’m thirsty even though it’s right there, I would rather just go without the things I need than get up and get them, getting up to pee is a drag, I often find myself thinking, “I don’t know what to eat,” after I just went grocery shopping, during conflict, I freeze and shut down…
The list was pretty endless and went all the way back to my earliest childhood memories. And then the feelings came.
I knew (mentally) this was something I was dealing with. I was conscious of the fact that my nervous system wasn’t regulated, that I had to work on reconnecting with my body, that I was dealing with C-PTSD that was affecting my every day life, but it wasn’t until that moment, that I felt the reality of that.
I was angry, and I was sad.
While processing this, I came across an informational YouTube video about how to begin healing the chronic freeze response, and she talks about how chronic states begin forming in the womb (which is aligned with the development of our root chakra).
So, if your mother was dealing with immense hardship or was in an unhealthy environment while pregnant with you and then after labor, then yes, it’s affecting you, too, and chances are you came into the world not knowing what a regulated nervous system feels like.
That’s what pissed me off.
I felt cheated. I felt like I was chasing something I didn’t even know. I never had the map to go back to. I was just reaching in hopes of landing on something. And that’s not to blame anybody, because circumstances are what they are. My family was escaping bombs and war in the Middle East, so of course all of our nervous systems were in survival mode, and now it’s evident that is still the case, even in the most subtle of ways.
As you might have guessed, this became the main topic in my last therapy session, which was fitting, since most of my therapy sessions focused on somatic therapy, which is reconnecting with the body.
I wanted to share this, because after posting on my stories, I got a lot of feedback from people who resonated with this, and could never quite connect the dots.
So, if you feel like this aligns with you, know that you’re absolutely not alone. Welcome to your healing journey.
Xo