Are you ready for another epiphany I had recently? We touched on it a little bit during the Full Moon reading on Sunday, but I wanted to bring the entire Return to Self fam up to speed, because it’s a good one.
First, let’s paint the picture…
I had a meeting scheduled last week, and my intuition knew that it wasn’t going to happen. Regardless, I remained optimistic and tried to silence my doubts because my abandonment wounds were showing. I recently learned that I tend to operate from a place of “people don’t show up for me” space, and I was trying to reframe that.
Flash forward and the meeting didn’t happen. I was distraught.
Now, let me be clear…I wasn’t distraught that the meeting didn’t happen. This person took accountability and was super apologetic. It was just a miscommunication. But what they triggered was lifetimes of shit that I was trying to work through, and apparently the Universe was ready to give me another lesson.
I was stunned by my response. I was really worked up by this, and I knew it was poking at a tender wound because of the spiral it led to. It had nothing to do about this specific situation. It was about every situation that resembled this moment that I’ve ever experienced (you can always tell when this happens because your words turn into generalizations).
Now, here’s where things got really interesting—I have a tendency to jump to “why.” Due to my nature, I’m always curious about why I’m feeling something, instead of just accepting what I’m feeling. So I’m going through that whole journey of where did this start, what is it reminding me of, what is the why for how I’m feeling?
And during that moment curled up on my royal blue chair, I heard myself say, “Who cares why? What are you feeling?”
Boom. Once again, I was using why to intellectualize my experience instead of feeling it. As someone who has felt safer with logic than emotion, that’s my go-to. Let’s figure out the logic behind this so we can process it through rationalization. But that wasn’t going to work anymore. That approach is yet another distraction to feeling and acknowledging whatever was coming up.
So instead, I stopped myself and I answered. “I feel sad. I feel unseen, unheard, neglected, and angry.”
Then I responded to myself with, “What would make you feel better right now?”
And my response was to cry. More specifically, I said I wanted to “let myself cry,” which is telling in and of itself. It suggests that in these moments in the past, I refused to allow myself the space to feel whatever it was that I was feeling. I rationalized the situation, convinced myself it was OK, put on my everything-is-fine mask, and continued with my life.
The word “why” is so powerful. It’s been one of my favorite words since I could remember. But I had to create a healthy distance from it, because just as eye-opening and insightful as it was, it was also equally detrimental and distracting when it came to allowing myself to process and let go of whatever was weighing me down. I almost picture it like that friend who always wants to make sure you’re feeling good, so they say whatever they can to cheer you up, when all you really want them to do is just hold space and listen.
The intention is pure. It’s coming from a place of love, and sometimes it’s necessary. But sometimes, it’s all about setting the weight of “why” down, being in the moment with whatever feelings are coming up, and knowing that figuring out the why doesn’t matter. Because it’s happening whether you know why or not, and whatever your feeling is valid regardless.
So instead of trying to validate your emotions through logic, just be there. Be that friend you need to yourself. You don’t have to prove anything. You just have to be brave enough to feel it.