The Need to Be Needed: My Journey Through Codependency
I gave everything to be chosen, until I chose myself.
I used to believe that being needed was the same as being loved.
That if I could just anticipate everyone’s needs, prove how helpful, kind, and accommodating I was, then I would be chosen—maybe even, dare I say, kept?
But deep down, I wasn’t being kind. I was abandoning myself.
I didn’t yet realize that the people I was trying to rescue were often the ones benefiting from my self-sacrifice. I needed them to need me, because their need made me feel valuable.
And if we wanna keep it all the way real—I was being emotionally manipulative without even realizing it, because I was wearing a mask in order to be who I thought was necessary in order to receive the love that I was deprived of.
That was the wound.
That was the pattern.
Codependency is a focus on others' needs (and suppression of one’s own emotions) in an attempt to control or fix other people's problems.
It didn’t just show up in my romantic relationships—it seeped into my friendships, work dynamics, and creative collaborations. I was always over-functioning. Always over-giving. Always trying to prove I was “good enough” by being useful.
Low self-worth doesn’t always look like insecurity. Sometimes, it looks like being the “strong one.” The “fixer.” The person who never asks for help but always offers it.
This was all too clear if you read my book Let That Shit Go: A Journey to Forgiveness, Healing and Understanding Love. Chapter after chapter, you read about my relationships with men and how I was so quick to bend over backwards in hopes that I would be “chosen.”
I wore my “fixer” role like a badge of honor—see, look at how great I am! I can fix all of your problems if you’ll let me and then maybe you’ll keep me around.
But here’s what I’ve learned: If love requires you to perform for it, it isn’t love. It’s survival.
And I think a part of myself always knew that, which is why a part of me also resisted it. I created my own push and pull dynamic with love—desperate to experience it, yet also pushing it away because a part of me knew I was seeking it in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways.
This week’s Libra Full Moon is a mirror, asking each of us to examine the imbalances in our relationships. It’s a powerful moment for calling your energy back and recognizing where you’ve been giving too much or settling for too little.
This full moon is a fragment of a two-year reflection period within relationships due to the Aries-Libra nodal axis that we are just now closing out.
If you’re ready to explore those patterns and excavate those wounds in a safe and transformative space, I invite you to join me TONIGHT for my next event Shadow Work Through Tarot & Poetry.
Together, we’ll pull cards, write our way through the shadows, and alchemize pain into power through poetry. This isn’t about blaming yourself for what you didn’t know. It’s about reclaiming your worth now that you do.
You don’t have to prove anything to be worthy of love. You already are. Come write your way back to yourself.
If you can’t make it to the event, you can still work with the Libra Full Moon energy by reflecting on these journal prompts:
Where in my life do I consistently put others' needs ahead of my own—and why?
What parts of me believe I have to earn love, attention, or respect through service or self-sacrifice?
What would it look like to let my relationships be rooted in reciprocal effort, not performance?
Your healing doesn't have to be loud—it just has to be honest.
Xo