The Shadow of Being A "Good Girl"

And the love story that unfolded...

We don’t usually consider “good” traits to be associated with the shadow, but you’d be surprised at how many seemingly beneficial qualities are actually disguises masking some of our greatest power.

I’ve always been a very perceptive girl. I caught everything. I could feel when something was off before anyone said a word. I asked a lot of questions, and I could tell when people weren’t being honest with me.

Perhaps that’s what sparked my trust issues so early on, because let me tell you something… a lot of people lie, both to others and to themselves. Whether it’s a fib, a white lie, a quiet omission, or outright betrayal, it became painfully clear to me that very few people actually embody truth.

Or at least, that’s how it seemed.

Everyone was wearing some kind of mask. I hated it. Especially when I realized I was wearing one, too.

I was raised to be polite, obedient, and well-mannered. Unfortunately, many of the traits associated with being a “good girl” result in finding a way to disappear. You don’t take up space. You’re not loud. You’re not argumentative. You don’t really have opinions, or at least you don’t voice them.

You’re quiet. You comply. You do as you’re told.

You can imagine how conflicting that was for me. Not only am I deeply observant, but I’m also a certified yapper. I can talk your ear off for hours and you still won’t quite know how we got there.

You can imagine how dangerous that combination can become, too.

When I needed my voice the most, it was nowhere to be found. When I needed to take up space, to be loud, to be heard, to express myself—I couldn’t. I didn’t know how. I never got the chance to know her.

And yet, she was the one holding my gifts.

So much of what I offer the world is rooted in self-expression. Of course my life presented me with endless challenges to that very thing. I had to fight for it. Earn it. Protect it. Remember what it took to reclaim it.

That fight looked like absorbing criticism and judgment on a daily basis. It looked like receiving more doubt than encouragement. It looked like rejection, teasing, being disliked, misunderstood, and written off.

It also looked like resenting people who took up space freely. It looked like being passive aggressive. It looked like constant outer compliance paired with inner defiance. And that kind of split creates a lot of rage.

This is the cage we build for ourselves.

We take the parts of ourselves we were conditioned to believe have no value, no place, no safety—and we lock them away. But they don’t disappear. They turn on you. They create an internal war that forces you to move between what you’ve labeled “good” and “bad” just to feel some sense of release.

This is how chaos is born inside us. There’s no truth. No authenticity. No integrity. Just the illusion that a band-aid will heal a severed limb.

Your shadow is not something else to reject. It’s where your power lives. The power you were told was too much. Too dangerous. Not acceptable to embody.

We all have it.

Pay attention to what has been targeted in your life. What have people consistently tried to silence, suppress, or shame out of you? There may be something waiting to be activated there… but it will ask everything of you.

If I had remained devoted to being polite, obedient, and well-mannered, I would never be doing what I do now. I would never be able to show up the way I do. I would never have met myself fully or received the blessings that come with truly being my Self.

This is my greatest love story. The relationship I fought for. Changed for. Pleaded for. Went to war for.

I learned for her. And I unlearned for her.

And here’s what I discovered…

She’s not always polite, but she’s never intentionally cruel. She’s not always obedient, because she’s careful about what she gives her devotion to. And she’s not always well-mannered, because sometimes manners are a crock of shit.

But most importantly, I learned that everything I love most about her is exactly what she was taught not to be.

And I’m really glad she didn’t listen.

Xo