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Who Are You Really Mad At?
Sometimes the truth hurts.
I’ve been open with you about abandonment wounds that have come up to the surface frequently lately, which is always a signal that it’s time to release whatever gunk is still lingering in the shadows. And that became incredibly clear this weekend.
While driving to my friend’s house, I started thinking back on the different times men in my life let me down. The list was long. I remembered things I completely forgot about and started going through the revolving door of various experiences—the ex who bailed on our date without letting me know, a guy who planned to visit me and then just never showed, a guy I was meant to meet up with on a trip who ghosted me, the ex who’d call me a “bitch” and “hoe” when I was just 13 years old, the guys (plural) who’d tell me how much they cared about me just to completely shut me out and cut contact the next day…the list went on and on, and these things were (and clearly still are) very hurtful.
As I was relaying this dreadful trip down memory lane, I realized the last person who showed up in this line of people I was hurt by was me. I was so angry with myself, because I felt this incredible weight of shame. How could you continue to allow this behavior, Bruna? Everyone thinks you’re so strong, but you’re not strong. Look at what you tolerate and you continued to seek love from these same men.
I’m no exception to the cruel words of the mind.
I had to sit with that for a few days. And then on Sunday, the night of the New Moon, I attended a group meditation with some friends. We were asked to write down a question, and mine was, “What am I so afraid of?”
The answer I received was self-trust. I was afraid of my own abandonment, because I’d done it so frequently. I valued my empathy so much, that I allowed it to prioritize the pain of the people I was dealing with over my own. I would abandon myself over and over and over again to understand their pain while refusing to acknowledge my own, so who was I really mad at? Who was the one who actually kept abandoning me?
During the meditation, I saw my inner child. She was sitting on the grass with tears in her eyes. I knelt down to meet her, and I just started crying. I told her how sorry I was for not protecting her, for continuously putting her safety in the hands of people who couldn’t give it to her, and then doubling-down on the pain through my own cruel words to her. She’s much more forgiving than me, I’ll say that much.
She simply sat on my lap, looked into my eyes with her hands on my cheeks and said, “It’s OK.” And it was weird, I felt like that wasn’t enough. I felt like I deserved more punishment, but I guess everything I’d experienced was punishment enough. It’s OK to let it go. I don’t have to keep this cycle going.
And so, I began the journey of reconciling this within myself. I held myself accountable, I forgave those who couldn’t show up for me the way I needed them to, I committed myself to not only listening to my intuition but following through on doing whatever is necessary to make sure I feel safe without worry of how it might be perceived or interpreted.
Because that little girl has waited an incredibly long time to feel safe again. And I’ve punished myself long enough for not knowing how to give it to her. I’m tired of being angry.
For those of you who watched the Aries New Moon reading on @DivineLightCouncil Sunday evening (it’s still up on their IGTV), we spoke about this. It’s come up so much this past week, and that’s always my sign from the Universe that this is important dialogue.
If this message resonates with you, then take that as a sign from your inner child. It’s time to be the protector, parent, lover, friend and confidant that they always needed, that you always needed, for yourself.
Because as you already know, it’s all within you.