Why We Fear True Power & Personal Sovereignty
A personal essay on the cost of freedom.
I recently prayed to God and said, “Just choose whatever you think is best for me. I trust whatever you decide.”
Almost immediately, I heard back, “But your choice is my gift to you.”
And just like that, I was back to square one.
Power is an energy I’ve studied and observed for most of my life. I’ve watched people in power, observed how others respond to it, questioned how it’s defined, and grappled with the hardship of reclaiming my own.
My perspective on power has always been different from the status quo. While wealth and status can garner influence, I see true power as something deeper—something rooted in trust. Real power isn’t about force; it’s about presence. It’s the ability to inspire simply by being who you are.
Heart-centered leadership is when people follow out of admiration and respect, not fear. They don’t want to let you down because they value you, not because they fear the consequences of disobedience. Unfortunately, we’ve seen far more examples of ego-centered leadership—a “follow me or else” kind of power dynamic.
That never works long-term, by the way. Fear-based control always breeds rebellion.
The Fear of Power
When it comes to personal power, I’ve realized how often I’ve given mine away. That prayer was just another example of it.
Many of us don’t actually operate out of free will. We think we do, but in reality, we’re moving through life based on unconscious programming—predictable patterns that make our choices almost inevitable. And here’s the gag: most people don’t even want true power.
Why? Because with power comes responsibility.
As my guy Carl Jung once said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
Most would rather have someone else make their decisions for them. It’s easier to outsource choice than to sit with the weight of consequence. If you believe life is just a series of predetermined events beyond your control, you can shift blame elsewhere when things don’t go your way.
No accountability, no burden.
But that’s the exact opposite of what so many of us claim to desire.
We say we want freedom, autonomy, and choice—but when handed the opportunity to make decisions based purely on our own volition, we recoil, tossing it like a hot potato, afraid of making the “wrong” choice.
The Unconscious Fear of Choice
Despite leaving the church nearly 20 years ago and reshaping my relationship with God in a way that felt authentic, I was still carrying fears buried deep in my subconscious.
All I ever wanted was freedom and autonomy—and yet, I was willing to hand it over any chance I got.
I wanted independence, but not the responsibility that came with it. And tell me, how does that make any sense?
Psychologically, I understood why. I had spent my entire life carrying the emotional burdens of others. I was the one people leaned on, the one who anticipated their needs, the one who took care of things before they even had to ask. The thought of now also carrying responsibility for myself felt overwhelming.
I longed for someone to step in and do for me what I had done for others. But no one was coming.
And they weren’t supposed to.
Redefining Power
Power looks different for everyone, and for me, it was about reclaiming the right to choose my own life.
I was raised with rigid expectations—told who I should be, how I should act, and what path I should follow. My rebellion was in shattering every expectation and allowing myself to be who I actually am.
However, it still came with a plethora of challenges, not just within my relationships, but in also facing the deeply rooted beliefs that convinced me I wasn’t even worthy of such power.
Even in that rebellion, I had to acknowledge the moments where I was still unconsciously throwing in the towel—how I was avoiding the very blessing I had prayed for because I didn’t want to step into the energetic upgrade it required.
I had to reframe responsibility.
Saturn’s Gift of Readiness
As a heavy Saturnian (born under the weight of responsibility), I didn’t get the luxury of childhood innocence. I always joke that I was an old man before I was ever a little girl. I was the parent my friends and lovers never had.
I wanted to be reckless and impulsive. I wanted to be immature and get away with it. I wanted to be a kid because I never got to feel like one.
And then suddenly, you’re in your 30s, realizing that ship has sailed.
There’s resentment in that. A sense of loss. A childhood stolen by responsibility.
But sulking about it wouldn’t change the past. What would change my future was how I chose to respond.
So, I began to see it differently.
What if responsibility wasn’t a burden, but a sign of readiness? What if the Universe was placing more choices in my hands because I was finally capable of handling them? What if this wasn’t a punishment, but a graduation?
That’s a beautiful thing.
Now, I had two choices: self-sabotage and shrink back into the comfort of predictability or step into my power and show myself what else I’m capable of.
The Fear of Getting It Wrong
When you’re raised in an environment that conditions you to believe there’s a “right” and “wrong” way to live, everything starts looking like a potential mistake. You hesitate. You analyze. You convince yourself that if you choose wrong, you’ll ruin everything.
I was so terrified of making the wrong move that I wasn’t moving at all.
But real power—the kind that can’t be taken away—is the power to choose and trust yourself enough to handle whatever unfolds.
It’s realizing that every decision, even the ones that don’t go as planned, is an opportunity to refine, adjust, and try again.
I no longer want to outsource my choices. I no longer want to hide behind the illusion that life is just happening to me.
I want power over myself and my life, and I finally recognize the gift that is.
Xo
Wow! I felt that reflection deeply! 🫶🏻🙏🏼