Happy Monday, friends.
I hope this weekend provided you with ample rest, nourishment and support as we head into this new week and full moon on Friday.
I loved receiving some of your messages over this last week to confirm that you got good news, and if you didn’t experience that, know that you’re not alone.
In fact, I, personally, received very disappointing news that triggered a lot of dormant emotions under the surface, and I’m going to share a little bit of that with you as it also aligns with this week’s reading.
On Friday, I got word that I was not chosen for a job opportunity that I felt in my bones was mine. It was perfect for me and would finally provide me the financial stability I’d been craving since I quit my corporate job five years ago.
In my mind, this was a done deal. So, as you can imagine, when I got word that they decided to go with someone else, I was absolutely crushed. I cried and cried and cried, and realized I was crying over a lot more than what felt like a missed opportunity.
Faith is hard. It’s really fucking hard, and I feel like it’s important for me to say that to you.
I wasn’t just crying about the job. I was crying over so many years of believing I was worthy of more than what I was getting, of constantly having to scrape by financially, of having to work jobs I didn’t care about just to make sure I could pay my bills, and—probably the biggest one of all—constantly getting my hopes up just to get let down.
Relationships, jobs, opportunities…you name it. So many false starts. So many dead-ends. So much disappointment that I never really allowed myself to face.
Because it’s not just a, “Oh well, on to the next.” It’s mourning all of the visions and fantasies of what life would look like with this thing. It’s letting go of everything that you believed would come with it. That’s the hard part.
I know there’s no way you guys would know the details of my life, because I choose not to share them, and I think sometimes that creates room for you to paint a picture that’s not necessarily accurate. So, here’s the real—I’ve faced so much rejection, I’ve lost count. So many manuscripts, grants, publishing deals, jobs, castings…rejection, rejection, rejection. It takes a toll on you no matter how spiritual you are. And that’s what I want to remind you.
When this happened on Friday, I could sense how quickly I wanted to spiritually bypass what I was feeling: This wasn’t meant for me. What’s for me won’t pass me. Clearly I’m meant for something more. Rejection is just Divine protection.
And don’t get me wrong, I still believe all of these to be true. But to jump immediately to these perfectly packaged sentiments before processing what I was feeling doesn’t help, and it’s something I’ve done for a very long time. I needed to just sit in my feelings.
I didn’t spiritually bypass. I felt all of the uncomfortable feelings: What if this is it for me? What if I’m reaching for a life that doesn’t exist? What if I keep selling myself a dream that’s just a fantasy? What if this is my life?
Shadow work at its prime. Still, there’s no shame in feeling this way or in thinking these thoughts. It’s all part of the process. And whaddaya know? As soon as I surrendered to them, they were fairly quick to pass.
The way the ego can hijack your spiritual practice has been a theme for me this last week. I attached so much of my worth on something outside of myself, and when I didn’t get it, the ego swooped in again to tell me all the things it knew to say to avoid feeling what I was feeling.
If you resonate with anything you’ve just read, this message is for you.
Trust that every experience is leading you closer to your Divine path, and in moments when it’s hard to trust, lean into that feeling. Regardless of my disappointment, there’s an undeniable Truth inside of me that the life I continue to envision for myself is not out of reach. I just don’t know how it will unfold, or when, and that’s OK.
This experience, which may have happened for some of you or may come up for you this week, is a cleansing. It showed me where I can still be trapped in fear in my mind, where my shadow continues to lurk behind pretty, bypassing statements and where I’m being asked to practice patience.
It reminded me that what I may consider as boredom or stagnation is not necessarily accurate to the big picture, because I only have one perspective. And most importantly, it followed my doubt with reassurance that my wishes are being heard and worked on.
Take that with you this week.
Regardless of how things unravel or align, what are you feeling? And what are those feelings trying to tell you?
Sometimes the hardest thing we need to do for ourselves is going back to basics and keeping it simple.
The numerology for this reading is an 8, and wait for it—“the number 8 is the achiever and measures life by the goals it reaches. It has good business sense, a powerful presence, and a strong drive for success…The number 8 resonates with authority, self-confidence, inner-strength, inner wisdom, social status, ego and at the same time has love for humanity and a desire for peace. Eights are extremely professional and so are very successful, especially in business.”
It’s already written.
Today’s Return to Self podcast episode features my friend and Reiki I teacher Camille Langston. Camille is a diviner and medium, and shares how her spiritual journey has led her to communicating with those who’ve passed on.
I also share a memory about Camille connecting with someone very dear to me and the path that took me down, which, of course, brought me to tears.
Lastly, some of you may already know that I’ve chosen to pause the Shadow Work program at this time, and that remote (email) readings will end after March.
However, I have added a new service which are 1-hour coaching calls via Zoom. Normally, my coaching calls are reserved for package clients, but with everything going on in the world right now, I figured even one call can help someone.
Thank you for your continued support as I navigate my own journey, and for always trusting me with your vulnerabilities.
Have a beautiful week, go easy on yourself, and take care of yourself.